An Utter Lack of Comprehension
by akila-vilya
Summary: The war is over, and Hermione helps Severus make the healing potions needed in the aftermath. But she leaves suddenly, injuring Snape more than he would admit. So what will his reaction be when he finds out why?
1. 7 cups of coffee

Disclaimer: No, I don't own the HP world or anything related to it. I'm certainly not making any profit off this – this is just for entertainment.

A/N: This is my first fanfic ever, so please keep that in mind and give me a little leeway, at least for a while until I get the hang of this. Flames are fine, so long as there's a point to them – if something is out-of-canon or I'm not using proper British vernacular (I'm American, so I don't know correct British slang – I'm just using what I remember from the books and other fanfics), please tell me, but don't flame just to say you don't like my story – it's fanfic! Anything goes…if you don't like the story, go find a different one you do like.

Thanks!

OoOoO

Severus had made the mistaken assumption that after the war was over, he would finally have some free time to relax. Unfortunately, the final battle had resulted in so many injured that St. Mungo's was overflowing, and patients were being sent to the infirmary at Hogwarts to try to find extra room. Dumbledore, after escaping the infirmary himself, set Severus to making healing potions, burn salves, and other items Madam Pomfrey and the other healers were in desperate need of. Severus complied, knowing first hand what a relief it was to be handed one of those little bottles and knowing the pain would soon fade away.

But even though he was the greatest Potions Master in the world (in his humble opinion), there was simply too much to do. He could brew complicated potions with ease, but the redundancy of creating the simplistic healing draughts was starting to wear thin. Regardless, he continued, putting aside all the research projects he had hoped to be able to work on after the demise of Voldemort, and methodically made batch after batch of concoctions for those who remained in the capable hands of the healers.

One morning, a mere week after Severus had been released from the infirmary and set to work on the aforementioned boring yet necessary batches of potions, he strode down the corridors of Hogwarts, robes billowing behind him as usual, even though there were no students anywhere to be found and intimidated. Severus was grateful that they had all been sent away for a whole month's vacation after the fall of the Dark Lord, after which all the little morons would return for a little while longer before going back home for the summer. Basically, school had been cancelled for the remainder of the year in the eyes of most of the teachers and all of the students, and they were only returning in order to take their OWL and NEWT tests, if necessary for their year. None of the teachers would be testing them on anything covered after the fall of Voldemort. Except Severus, of course. The persona of child-hating bastard was so ingrained into his personality, the thought of getting to push the little cretins to their intellectual limits (not that that was terribly far) while the idiots were expecting a free ride for the rest of the year almost made him dance for joy. Except that he didn't dance. Or express joy.

Finally, he made it into the Great Hall and slumped into his chair, back slouched over his plate rather than ramrod straight as was usual. His demeanor went unnoticed by the majority of the staff, who had learned long ago that attempting to converse with Severus before his 7th cup of coffee was taking their life into their own hands, even more so than attempting to converse with Severus after his coffee. Notice "majority of the staff" – Dumbledore had long since become immune to death-glares and was always careful to take his poison antidotes after harassing Severus, so he felt comfortable attempting to draw Severus into conversation. Besides, the young boy (compared to Dumbledore, anyway) looked even worse than usual, and Dumbledore had something that would lessen the boy's workload considerably, even though it would annoy Severus to no end. Ah, well. It was for his better good, anyway.

"Severus."

Silence greeted this attempt at getting the Potions Master's attention.

"Severus, I just watched you drink your fifth cup of coffee, so I know you can understand me by now."

Damn. The old codger was counting his cups of coffee? Strange old man…

"Well, I just wanted to tell you that I assigned Harry Potter to be your personal assistant for the rest of the school year to help –"

"You did WHAT!"

"Oh, so you are listening."

Aargh. He should have expected that. Dumbledore liked that imbecilic Gryffindor. He wouldn't do something that would put his life in immediate and perpetual danger.

"I actually assigned Hermione Granger to be your assistant, since you have so many things that you're making for us right now. Most of them are ones that I'm sure she mastered years ago, so she should be a great help to you."

Well, Granger wasn't half as bad as Potter, but she was still a Gryffindor and a show-off. "I do not need _anyone_ to help me, Headmaster. Especially not the Gryffindor know-it-all."

"I'm terribly sorry, Severus."

Oh no. That did Not bode well.

"But you see, when I owled her the other day and asked if she'd be willing to help, she seemed so delighted at the prospect that I asked if she wanted to return from holiday early to get started."

Damn. Even with work to do, he had been enjoying the time away from the nincompoops. He just hoped he had a few more days of peace in which to prepare for the coming onslaught of questions. He was just certain that once she was in his classroom without other students for him to have to teach, she would be even more insufferable than usual. Which was saying quite a lot, actually.

"She'll be here later this evening, just in time for dinner, I do believe."

Damn. Damn damn damn.

"Do try to be polite, Severus."

His only response was to get up and leave the table. Luckily he had already finished all 7 cups of coffee, so he wasn't really missing anything, as he never ate solid food for breakfast anyway.


	2. where's my assistant?

Disclaimer: see Ch. 1

OoOoO

Severus grumbled to himself all the way down to the dungeons. Stupid Hermione Granger. While he would admit to himself that he did need the help with the work, he certainly wasn't about to admit that to anyone else, much less a Gryffindor who would undoubtedly use that information against him. But if he pushed her away too hard, she might tell Dumbledore that she couldn't work with him and he would end up having to do it all himself. No, wait, this was the infamous Miss Granger. If she stuck with all the snide remarks from everyone about SPEW, she could put up with him for a few weeks until the demand for healing potions went down to regular levels. So he had nothing to worry about.

OoOoO

Severus took his glasses off and rubbed his eyes wearily. He only wore them when grading those stupid essays – they were enchanted to make any handwriting, no matter how bad, seem clear, but he still got headaches reading the things that stupid students had written (the Wolfsbane Potion was not sprayed on crops to deter wolves from eating them – wolves were carnivorous, for crying out loud! It didn't even make sense!). Unfortunately, he felt they made him look like Dumbledore's evil little brother, as they were the same half-moon style as the headmaster's. The two men were too different for anyone to think that, but Snape was paranoid about everything. Because of this totally irrational fear, he refused to let anyone see him wearing them – especially the headmaster. _Oh, no. If Granger is here, I can't wear my glasses in my office. I'll have to grade these silly things in my quarters. Ugh…even though she's going to be helping me, I really don't want her to be here. If only she could make potions somewhere else in the castle…_

Looking up at the clock, he noticed with a start that dinner had started approximately half an hour before. Recalling Dumbledore's earlier words, he dropped the glasses into a drawer on his desk and stood up hurriedly. _So, do I go on to dinner knowing that she will immediately start asking silly questions, or do I hold onto my last few minutes of peace and quiet before she arrives and go without dinner?_ A knock on the door prevented him from having to decide. Apparently he was going to put up with her questions _without_ dinner. Joy.

Severus stalked over to the doorway and yanked it open, glowering at the 7th year girl standing in front of him.

"Professor Snape, I– "

"Yes, I know, you're helping me make healing potions for Pomfrey

"Well, yes. Dumbledore owled the other day, and it sounded like a good excuse to practice potions more, so–"

"Good for you, Granger. I will have everything set up by 7:00 tomorrow morning. Be down here to start preparing the potions no later than that. We will be making burn salves in case you need to review the procedure. Understood?"

"Um…yes, professor. It's just that–"

"You agreed to this, didn't you?"

"Yes, sir, but–"

"Then what are you complaining about?"

"Well, I–"

"Forget I asked. Just be down here by 7." And with that, he slammed the door in her face.

Feeling rather proud of himself for getting rid of her without having to answer any questions (or listen to any answers), he locked and warded the door. Feeling fairly safe, he pulled out his reading glasses from the drawer he had dropped them in and continued to grade papers.

OoOoO

The next morning, papers graded and glasses carefully hidden in the middle drawer on his bedside table, Severus made sure he was up and dressed and had ingested all 7 necessary cups of coffee by 6:30, just in case Granger was early, which she most likely would be. However, when the clock struck 7, no mice ran down, but neither did a Miss Granger enter. Severus was slightly surprised, as she was normally a punctual girl. He mentally began preparing a scathing speech concerning her lack of respect for her elders, her inability to follow directions, and her utter uselessness to him so he would be ready for her arrival.

At 7:30, he was angry and pacing the room.

At 8, he was furious.

Finally, he realized it was time for lunch and he hadn't gotten anything done because he'd been waiting for that silly little girl all morning. Seething with rage, he stalked to the Great Hall and took his customary place, just waiting until Miss Granger appeared. Food appeared on the table, and Severus took random spoonfuls, neither noticing nor caring what he ate. Miss Granger still didn't make an appearance.

Severus realized with a start that he was eating Lemon Drops with a fork, wondered when the stupid candy had started being a staple of food at the table, and looked up to glare at Dumbledore. Everyone at the table was staring at him, McGonnagal with her mouth slightly open, and Dumbledore was obviously trying not to laugh. The only person not staring at him was Miss Granger, who still wasn't there.

"_What_ is everyone's problem?" Severus snarled, quickly swallowing the mouthful of Lemon Drops.

"Nothing, my boy. We're just not used to seeing you attack your food quite so viciously. Or eat candy of any kind."

At Severus' confused look about 'attacking his food', Dumbledore picked up his fork a little and shook it at the potions master. Severus looked down at his own fork, which upon closer inspection had broken 3 tines, apparently on the plate, which showed multiple deep gouges.

"Is something bothering you, Severus?"

_I really need to work on my Death Glare. He's totally immune. I guess I've given it to him enough times that he's built up a tolerance to it._ "For your information, Headmaster, Granger has failed to show up today for those potions that she was _sooo_ looking forward to helping me with. I find myself annoyed at her lack of respect–"

"Didn't she tell you?"

_I really hate it when he cuts me off like that. _"Tell me what?"

"She was looking forward to it so much that she went ahead and made a batch of burn salve at her house before she came. Madame Pomfrey was most impressed and said she didn't need any more, just some regular healing potions and 1 batch of potions to help with blood loss."

_Well why didn't she tell me that last night? Oh…that's what she was trying to tell me, but I…kept cutting her off. _Severus glared at his plate and stabbed it with the fork in frustration, breaking off the last tine. "That still doesn't excuse her from showing up this morning."

"She came by earlier and said that she decided to take a day and go to Hogsmeade to pick up a few things. I saw no reason not to let her go."

"No reason! She was supposed–"

"Maybe she just decided to take a day off before helping you. This _is_ her vacation time, remember? She's volunteering for this job, and we therefore don't have any place to make her do anything."

_That really is annoying. I wonder if he knows how annoying; no one would ever dare cut him off. Or…maybe when she spoke with him, she told him I cut her off last night. Maybe this is payback! I'll get her…_Severus, as is has been mentioned, is incredibly paranoid.

He threw his fork at the plate in frustration, but the tineless fork bounced off and hit him in the face. Unable to take any more interaction with annoying headmasters, gawking teachers, or aggressive silverware, he stood up from the table and returned to his dungeons.

OoOoO

And a big thank you to Hono No Kitsune, my very first reviewer ever.


	3. Chapter 3, AN

Disclaimer: see Ch. 1

VERY IMPORTANT A/N!

I apologize now for what I'm about to do. I had been planning to finish the chapter and then just apologize for taking so long to post - I had about 500 words written a good while back, but before I could finish the chapter, I got interrupted, and stuff happened, and more stuff happened, and I forgot, and … you get the idea. I had hoped that I when I got more involved in the story, I would get better about updating regularly. Then I read HBP. No spoilers here, but I'm angry enough right now that I can't even look at this, any other HP fanfic, or anything remotely HP related. Maybe once I get over it, I'll come back to this, but it will be totally AU if I do. That being said, this is an incomplete chapter, so don't read if you don't want.

Thank you to those people who did read the beginning of this and encouraged me to write, but…it's not going to happen, at least for a while

OoOoO

"There is no excuse for not showing up on time!" Severus snarled at the student standing in front of him calmly. He had gone to breakfast in the Great Hall this morning in a terrible (even more than usual, that is) mood, which was not improved by seeing Hermione Granger. She had never shown up the day before, and he had ordered her to his classroom immediately upon completing breakfast. He had intended to yell at her for her insubordinate actions the day before, which he was, but it wasn't having the proper effect. Usually, when he yelled at people, they either got embarrassed and tried to apologize for their actions, or angry, which made them say things that he was later able to use against them. She wasn't doing either.

Hermione Granger stood quietly, waiting for his anger to either run out or rise to the point that Snape lost the ability to speak coherently. Unfortunately, he was closer to the second option. While he never exactly enjoyed making students cry (the headmaster always ended up asking questions that somehow made Severus feel guilty. Not much, but a little), he certainly didn't enjoy being ignored. Even though she was staring him in the eyes, he still felt like she was ignoring him.

His ranting about her conduct continued, and her calm demeanor continued. She was still staring him in the eyes, and he saw none of the trademark fear nor anger that people usually looked at him with. He was tempted to use Ligelimency to figure out exactly what was going on in her head, but the headmaster would most certainly not approve.

Refusing to give up, he decided to punish her for her tardiness the day before the same way he would punish being tardy to his class – by assigning grueling, petty tasks like the ones assigned in detention.

But his (lack of) luck held, and that order didn't go over well.

"I am _volunteering,_ Professor Snape. I don't have to be here at all. If I decide not to show up because I feel no need to make a potion there is no call for, I don't have to. I am here because I want to help and I want to practice making potions. I don't need to practice shelling scarab beetles, or indeed anything but making actual potions."

Surprised she couldn't see smoke coming from his ears, Severus gritted his teeth. "And what do you think the headmaster would think of your blatant insubordination?"

"We agreed when I said that I would help you that for the time that I'm helping you, we're colleagues – not teacher and student. Once school starts after the break, I'm a student during class, but even then, if we're still working outside of class, I'm a colleague at that time. As a colleague, It's my prerogative to walk out of the room when you're being…"

_At least she didn't start calling me names. Still, I can't believe her audacity. Colleagues! She's not my bloody colleague! I am a Potions Master, and she's a silly little know-it-all! There's no comparison whatsoever. _

OoOoO


End file.
